A n00bs 1st New Year's resolution

Howdy y'all. I'm new to the blogger world. Had thoughts about creating a blog for years, covering many topics; parenting, cooking, weight lost, etc

The time feels like the right time, topic feels like the right topic. So, here I am.

Cleansing my life of toxins, starting with this toxic waist. My journey.thru.the.waist

I posted a "Note" on Facebook the other day and my good friend Mary said "THAT should be your first blog post". Okay, push comes to shove really.

One thing lead to another (she broke my arm) and I've created a blog.

I'm going to include that "Note" below:

(Disclaimer: It is long and edited)

This is like confession 101 for me, let's see if this helps.

Y'all notice the other day I ran to the store to buy milk and eggs and left with a drink and cheese sticks too.

(Of course, it wasn't soda and a donut)

I have a problem. I don't know how to describe it. I have a $ spending problem. It is also part of my resolution. I've done this before though, fixed my spending issue. So I know it can be done! I'm looking forward to a savings account. I am a Mother of 5 children  w/o a permanent residence and no savings account. I know? Not intelligent. In reality, I'm not very intelligent. This is just one little view into my world.

 You want a bigger view? Are you sure? I warned you. Continue if you want to know the real nut case.

 Today I tried out my Zumba game. What a flippin' disaster. I wasn't competing against anyone; just me and myself. Yet I was freaking out (internally) because I could not get the moves down. I mean like emotionally cutting, just ripping myself to shreds emotionally and mentally. I have a fear of dancing. It is a literal fear. Zumba - at home in private - is a huge hurdle for me. I don't know if it was a smart decision to make. We shall see if I continue. If I have the strength. The thought of moving my hips makes me cringe.

(Any sexual references can be left at the door, please.)

Also a huge issue of mine (which is a HUGE hurdle. HUGE) my whole life; I have an obsession with doing things right. Perfect. I mean, if you can't win, why play? I don't get the "fun" of it.

I really am NOT the "child at heart" a lot of you think I am.

 Of course I've taken the not so popular route. Instead of being an overachiever, I've choose to be an underachiever. I'm lazy too. duh.

Oh this issue is so much deeper, but let's stick on topic for now.

 So doing Zumba at home, alone except for my family who weren't watching. I cried. I lost it. Not too drastic, I mean there were people around and how stupid would I look crying while doing Zumba. Right?

 I wanted so bad to do this Zumba "game", to push myself. I will try again.. I will push myself. It hurts, a lot.

No, not my knee. My heart, my ego, my SELF.

 I always hear fat girls talk about how they can't do this and can't do that because they are fat,  and I tell them they are idiots. oh gosh I hope some of them are reading. They will love it. I was also disgusted.

I couldn't see a reflection of myself but I could imagine how 300lbs of FAT look just flapping around. No rhythm, can't keep a beat or move to a beat to save my life. Not coordinated enough to actually do the move I'm suppose to be doing. All the while, fat just flapping and jiggling and ... yeah... GROSS.

No offense to my fellow fat chics.. you go girls... But y'all wanted me to do this shit in public? Hell no.

I can't do it at home alone w/o crying. Ha! I can run on a treadmill... do those cute weight machines... I could do all of that 1/2 naked in public... NO problemo!

 Do something that resembles dancing... I'm done.

 So here is the confession of the fat chic. Yes, I hate being fat.

 No, I don't hate myself. I mean, yeah I'm disappointed in myself for letting me get like this.

But soooooo NOT shocked.

You know there is a huge difference in acknowledging your own flaws and hating yourself.

 I get very frustrated when I acknowledge my flaws and people take it as low self esteem. Gag me. Get out of my face with your bullshit.

Here is it. I cried like a little baby because I couldn't "play" the Zumba game to my standards. I cried because I know that I look ridiculous while attempting this "dance" type of exercise.

I will NOT (can NOT) move my hips. We shall see if I can continue. Let's hope. I need some form or aerobic exercise. It sure did get my heart beating. I suppose jumping up and down would do the same though... hmmm...

So .... I need to continue... to do something.

 All of this for my children. Man children sure do change you, it's amazing. It is so cliche but they really do make you want to be a better person. I want to see the people they become. I think seeing Michael & Jr turn into men has made me realize how much I really want to see the rest of them turn into adults.

 Jack. Also for Jack. The man who makes me feel like he really can't live w/o me. I know he can , but if he doesn't want to live w/o me, why should he have to? Eh?

So ... long story... my weight loss is a small fraction of my new years resolution ... I want remove all the toxic from my life.. oh and I want to learn how to can!

Hope you appreciated it folks! That's me. Spilling my guts out for the whole world to see.

What a grand new adventure. Hmph. Okay, Day 1 down. My first New Years resolution. I went BIG.

REMOVE THE TOXINS FROM MY LIFE.
Sounds limitless? Well, in a way. Yes. We are always growing, changing. For better and for worse.
Life is all about bettering ourselves until ...ya know. I just don't want...ya know.. to be tomorrow. Or July 2014. I want to be here awhile longer.

For the record, I've done Zumba twice since then. I've made many steps to cleansing my life of toxins. I stopped drinking soda the first week of the new year, I've been only allowing myself only one serving at meals, compared to my previous "unlimited buffet" style eating. Drinking lots more water.
Making lists of the toxins I need to cleanse from my life. Small to big.
Smaller examples: stop biting my nails, eat slower, etc.

Well I am hoping you want to take this journey with me. Give advice! Learn a thing or two! Be inspired! 

- Thanks for reading!